Hi Al, I just found your website today and in a few short hours of surfing its pages I have been able to gain clarity on some issues that have been problematic for almost 10 years in my almost-10 year relationship. Thank you for so generously sharing your insight & expertise. I reached this Reliable Membership essay through the page "When He/She Won't Talk." This is precisely my problem with my partner -- as the Avoider, he shuts down & stops talking, and as the Clinger, I panic and pursue. Some background: my partner grew up with divorced parents and had an emotionally and physically abusive mother who kicked him out of the house at 15 (piled his things on the lawn while he was at school). There was no stability, no support, no validation. I grew up with married parents in a home where communication was pretty good; though not perfect, we talked out our problems and I generally felt well-loved. In our time together, my partner has shut down on me more than a few times - sometimes in response to an argument we've had, and sometimes in response to something that doesn't involve me at all (usually issues at work that impact his confidence/ego). Either way, since he absents himself from our relationship, usually for a period of a week or more, I think it is about me, something I've done, and I panic, trying to figure out what to do. In the past this has involved me making phone calls or sending emails, or having frustrating in-person interactions -- in every case I am an open wound and he is steely, clenched-jaw sighs and terse words that offer no insight or connection, and the situation only feels worse. I understand that when I push/pursue, he retreats further. But if in fact my partner shuts down with me because he feels unsafe with me, and if efforts by me to reach him push him further away, what should I do in these times of no talking to help build safety? Right now I'm simply waiting for him to come out from behind his Space Wall; it's been nearly a week and, unlike in the past, I am not trying to contact him. I'm "living alone" and finding comfort/love in other sources. Is there something I should be doing now to help my partner feel safe? In the past he has always come around, but in the past I was not as resolute in my decision to 'give him space.' Thank you for whatever advice you can provide. J