Dear Friend, A great question. I recall my friend, Pat Love, another Imago Therapist and author, putting forth the same question in the form, “When to hold ‘em? When to fold ‘em.” And isn’t it nice when life’s questions are easy to answer! I have some thoughts. First let me speak of “stubbornness.” Often a couple comes in to my office and I can see how stubborn they are. I give them the good news and the bad news. I see stubbornness in couples as the power behind commitment and reliability. I see it kind of like the huge propeller on a ship. It sure can make things go and go for a long time. Survivors, those who have endured through many trials, make me think of stubbornness. The downside of being stubborn is that there is no wisdom in being stubborn. A stubborn person will do things over and over that do not work just as easily as doing what works. They will bang their heads against a solid wall again and again. Or they will work their way out of the deep crevasse they find themselves in. Stubbornness is a great propeller with no rudder. The ship will go, but where? The more I think about this, the more I imagine that an article will come out of it. This is the problem behind the phrase “doing the same thing over and over expecting a new result.” You two, from what you have written, show all the wonderful signs of great stubbornness. I gather you have done lots of work with good people and it hasn’t helped much. At least, you both are working together in not changing in some ways. You still don’t seem to have benefited from all the help. I am not saying this to blame you or them. I am just looking at the situation. The relationship you have, the one in which you are feeling degraded, is the one you both are carefully building and maintaining. I have said elsewhere that I recommend that “you get rid of the relationship you have, not necessarily the person you are having it with.” Yes, divorce the kind of relationship you have. But, to do that, do you have to divorce your partner? Nope, I don’t think so. Of course, it is your choice what you do. I really support that idea. I also often say that no matter what you choose, “Either it will work out, or you will learn something” – either way you win. So go for it. The last clue in your posting are the words “bicker, discord, arguments and fights.” This is all the material of Autonomy and Diversity. I have written two directories of articles on these topics. I am sorry to say that I have met Imago therapists and Imago Workshop presenters who do not know this material. I have met many people who “graduated” from an Imago Workshop who had no idea about what I call real validation or PreValidation. Argument is a clue that you have not learned this either. Get to work and learn it. Put your wonderful stubbornness to work in learning to be advanced “validators” and to getting rid of arguments from your life. By the way, you can always contact me. I am not overloaded at this point, and I like working with people. I spend time with clients by phone by the hour. And I carry this entire website, its practical applications and theories, in my head. Best wishes Al