Ah. Omygosh do I hear you! My heart reaches out. This sounds like a lot of pain. Well, my mentor used to say, "You are either going to have a nice day, or you are gonna learn something." So I guess it is your turn to learn some. As I was thinking of your letter, I also began to wonder how many others are, at this moment, in the same kind of pain - even maybe the same amount of pain. I see a lot of people and this is a very common problem. And I was trained to make guesses. So my guess is at at this very moment somewere around 600,000 people in the USA are in the same situation. By the way, that includes both you and your parnter - this guy in the hole. That is my best guess. You are not alone, though you probably feel alone. As I have written elsewhere, "chasing" never works. But it is remarkably hard to give up doing it. I have done plenty of chasing in my years. Foolish stuff. My suggestion is to do more than say "I am done with chasing." I doubt that you are. What I would work on is learning to handle your kind of panic. Read the Lizard paper and make friends with your own internal panic mechanism. Take care of it - cuz other people won't - unless they are trained. I guess I would remember to honor yourself for trying so hard, for being so stubborn in trying to get that wonderful dream of love. And I would not give up that dream, no matter what. (However, you might take a rest for a while.) Good luck.