A couple of days ago I got a note from a friend letting me in on her delight sharing the posters I have. Probably half a dozen times I have heard from people who used this method of learning the “wisdom” that I am passing on to you all.    more »

How about it? Want to learn to be empathic? Want to know when you aren't? Want to improve? I believe that more and more people will be talking about the “need for more empathy.” I believe that the primary cause of conflict in our families, our partnerships, our business, our marriages, our political communities, our churches, and in the world, is a pronounced lack of reliable empathic skills.    more »

So many times I've heard the phrase, "he/she did that out of the blue." I love the phrase. It seems so colorful. And also many people write me, and read my thoughts, about what to do when he/she leaves. Put these two issues together and I give you this article.    more »

When someone says, “I’m hurt” or “That upsets me,” or "I'm anxious," what is a useful response? I find this is a central problem in the common co-dependency I see. Here are some ideas and links to deeper understanding.    more »

Written: Aug 4th, 2009. "I stumbled upon you site after googling resentment! After years of an emotional roller coaster marriage...things are finally making sense!"    more »

So I get to chat about the current spate of violence in the US and my thougths about its origins and its current manipulation in the media. If you are looking for solutions, I will have to think some more.    more »

“If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.    more »

Here we are, about to head off on another vacation, and I promised that I would write down how we manage keeping it so much fun.    more »

I have been asked recently by people who are reading my papers on boundaries how to decide if something is mine or my partner's or what?? I was writing a response, and decided I'd better post it for everyone.    more »

Been thinking of this for some time. I keep finding that sometimes being Rebellious is the way to go. Sometimes Stubbornness is wonderful. Even sometimes Passivity is a jewel. But when? I've never shared my enthusiasm about rebelling and being stubborn, and I fear I have given passivity a "bad rap." Enjoy!   more »

A recent letter sparked me to thinking about how I handle this tough situation. I have been using this all purpose skill for a dozen years, recommending it to my clients. Some use it. Some don’t. Sometimes it makes things “better.” Sometimes it seems to make things “worse.” Life is like that. Take a-look.    more »

This is a continuation of a discussion begun based on my paper on Safety and the Lizard Brain. An exercise in seeing the partnership of the reptilian brain, how it works, what it is trying to do. Click here for the original article on Safety.   more »

Being gullible or being skeptical. How much? I was talking to another old guy last evening and we both shared ...   more »

"You are not entitled!" Get it. (On the receiving end, "You are not obliged!) Learn how to deal with Frustrations and "letting go" of things we are Not Entitled To.    more »

This is so common. Oh, I feel sorry for everyone involved. I think I have seen this situation 6 times this month. A person calls in, ?their whole life has changed?, ?their dreams are shattered?, and ?they don?t know what to do.? Their partner of 5 years, 14 years, 33 years, has announced they are leaving, or they have packed up and gone, or they have found someone new and now want to cut the ties with their ?older? partner. The person calling feels surprised, betrayed and hurt. What to do?    more »

Whenever I think I know what someone else "should" do I remember this story.   more »

"When I do premarital and marital counseling, I always have a sinking feeling when couples proudly affirm that they have never had a fight."    more »

People use the phrase �I don�t know� so often that I finally shared an alternative. We don�t live life based on what we know. I think often we know very little, but that doesn�t stop us from going on. Why should it stop conversation?    more »

I learn a lot from the men in my men�s group. We talk of safety and validation all the time. Here is a story about wasting your energy on the wrong stuff - loving in a way that doesn't work.    more »

A TimeOut is a relational tool and is an essential skill for any intimate relationship. Its purpose is to remove pressure from the relationship. Use a TimeOut whenever you feel overwhelmed, pressed, chased, pursued, cornered, etc.   more »

Everyone has problems. Problems are situations that cause you distress - frustration. I think a problem is avoided when you do not experience the situation any more. I believe a problem is solved when the situation occurs, and you no longer get upset or frustrated. A couple will have between them almost twice as many problems as an individual. I guess you might as well learn how to solve problems. Get going.    more »

This is the chart that goes with the paper. Good skills to learn.   more »

This paper discusses the issue of Resentment that from time to time becomes an important issue in couples or between groups of people. It includes suggestions on how to remove the resentment. I believe this cannot be done, passively, by waiting. Resentment does not seem to go away by letting time pass. I believe resentment only goes away via the use of validation, and dialogue.   more »