The first most important skill in any relationship is about how to create a tone of safety - how to reliably lower each other's blood pressure. This paper is the background.   more »

This is my response to a great set of questions posted on my article on the Problem with Expectations. But it covers so much territory, I decided to repond with an article. My thanks to the Poster.    more »

This is a continuation of a discussion begun based on my paper on Safety and the Lizard Brain. An exercise in seeing the partnership of the reptilian brain, how it works, what it is trying to do. Click here for the original article on Safety.   more »

People still ask me, “How much should I tell my partner?” This paper and chart have had quite an impact on people. In some cases it has been "life changing" after one reading. That has surprised and pleased me.    more »

This paper is an excerpt from my essay on SAFETY, The Lizard. It describes tactics for "making your partner feel safe."    more »

I was asked recently what are the steps to follow, practically, when you see your partner backing away from you � even in everyday situations. I think the person was simultaneously looking for specific things to do and trying to head off trouble.    more »

One important issue that all couples face is making things fair and keeping them that way. I believe things are fair when two people both believe they are fair. When either thinks it's not fair, then it isn't. Takes only one for unfairness, and it takes two for it to be fair.    more »

This is actually a fairly old presentation. Sandra and I found it so valuable for ourselves that we have been giving to all couples for many years. We decided that "making friends" with our internal safety mechanism was a very useful idea. Sandra was the one who first called this reptilian brain function, the Lizard.    more »

A TimeOut is a relational tool and is an essential skill for any intimate relationship. Its purpose is to remove pressure from the relationship. Use a TimeOut whenever you feel overwhelmed, pressed, chased, pursued, cornered, etc.   more »

This is the chart that goes with the Safety/Lizard Essay.   more »

The Importance of the Skills of Being a Source of Safety to your Partner, Friends and Enemies. I have found ...   more »