Recently I gave a 3–hour presentation at a conference on Domestic Violence. The title was "Remediating Bullies and Their Makers: A different look at Domestic Violence." Here is the background and one of the Powerpoint presentations.    more »

If you have been following my work through Part One: Master/Slave and Part Two: Power of Passivity, then this may be your next stop. I decided to share my path down a bit deeper into the basement. Be warned! The steps down here may be tippy.    more »

Recognizing MasterTalk, avoiding it, reframing it gets simpler.    more »

Been thinking of this for some time. I keep finding that sometimes being Rebellious is the way to go. Sometimes Stubbornness is wonderful. Even sometimes Passivity is a jewel. But when? I've never shared my enthusiasm about rebelling and being stubborn, and I fear I have given passivity a "bad rap." Enjoy!   more »

My gosh, people get this simple issue so confused.  It isn’t all that difficult.  Here’s my poster on it.

In ...   more »

This is an excerpt from my paper on Dialogue in a Hierarchy. It focuses on decision making. It now includes a chart.   more »

I think that "Being Dialogical" is the inverse of being Emotionally Symbiotic. If we keep an ear out for MasterTalk, and remove it, we can easily and durably stay in a Dialogical space.   more »

This is a paper about the problem of "victimicity." It is Part 2 of my work on Master/Slave and Autonomy. You may want to read it with some caution, particularly because, based on feedback, this seems to be almost "graduate level" relationship material. It seems you really must be prepared to read it. Please be patient with me, and with yourselves. More material was added 7/5/07. I am sure there will still be minor changes and additions - and one last bit.    more »

I have been using the terms “Master” and “Slave” for quite some time and have not ever found any terms that are more useful in dealing with the problems of Autonomy. However, over the years my usage has stirred up some controversy and even distress in people. At this point I have no plans to change my terms. At the same time I thought I would share a bit about the wonderful controversies.   more »

A conversation with a relationship therapist about avoiding becoming a Bully.    more »

Here is the Master/Slave lecture given before a live audience.  Download MP3, 29 minutes long. 8726KB.  Yours for $2.50.

The Master/Slave chart is here.  The Master/Slave Essay is here.

I was amused to find that Einstein wrote about the same struggles I see in couples - who's point of view is the right one. Often a couple will say "we are arguing over the silliest of things." I usually reply, "I don't think so. I think you are struggling over something very important - who is boss. And this decision can seem like life and death." Here is more about this topic.    more »

So what, after all is said and done is this thing called MasterTalk? I believe that because of some features of our language system we can speak things that do not exist. I see MasterTalk as a way of speaking from the omniscient point of view ? which exists in literature but not in real life.   more »

Last week, a new couple came to me after 21 years of marriage, 21 years of arguing, and four attempts to find help from Marriage TherapistS. As I started to work with them, I found once more that they have not heard about Master/Slave nor about Differentiation - critical skills for living together. And apparently the therapists that they had seen didn't know these skills either.    more »

I think the continuing great need in our culture and in our families is to become more aware of what is going on so that we can make better and better choices. As a person who has worked with thousands of couples, I have heard a lot. I have become familiar with lots of patterns. I have become aware of things that most people don�t seem to want to look at.   more »

Sometimes people get the impression that I want all bullies to go away. But I really think they are valuable. Where would we all be without them? Now, what am I talking about!?    more »

I ran into this today, sent by a friend, Theo Smith. Here are some wonderful thoughts about power/business differentials and retaining the dialogical perspective. Sample: Human Relations: First, last, and only principle -- when dealing with subordinates, repeat silently to yourself, "You are as great to you as I am to me, therefore, we are equal." When dealing with superiors, repeat silently to yourself, "I am as great to me as you are to you, therefore we are equal."    more »

Probably about 70% of couples I see have a significant problem with controlling. What is this? How does it work? What can you do about it? In this article I will try to answer those questions and share solutions with you.    more »

I am presenting this paper as a discussion of dialogue norms to use in Power Differential Relationships. My goal is to re-approach One-up/One-down situations from the relational model, the dialogical model that is central to Imago Relationship theory and practice. The paper is divided into three sections: 1. Types of Power Differential Situations 2. Decision Making as the legitimate reason for Power Differential Situations 3. The Four Challenges facing groups trying to make decisions.    more »

Everything we do is the result of our thinking, our feelings, our habits. Our actions are not "caused" by others. I think this is a very valuable concept and nicely replaces several myths that most people seem to hold.   more »

Summary: This paper covers the two ways that people can come together and share (or not) their different views of reality. Relating via Master/Slave is only functional in certain situations: where efficiency is needed as in business, where property ownership is involved, in emergencies. Relating via Friend/Friend is normal during courtship. Master/Slave, commonly used in intimate relationships or families, is dysfunctional. Learn the critical skills of Friend/Friend to end argument and prevent fighting.   more »

The chart that goes with the Master/Slave paper.   more »

From the point of view of relationships, I think this a disease of the disease, the source behind so much trouble. Most everyone in our country suffers from this disease. And it is even taught on TV. I believe this is the source of MasterTalk.    more »

I use these three terms (Master, Slave, Friend) to refer to the three positions from which and to which communication can be addressed. These are similar to the positions in Transactional Analysis of Parent, Child, and Adult. No one is a Master. They just speak, and perhaps think, from the Master position. No one is a Slave. They just speak from the Slave position. MasterTalk seems extremely easy to identify in conversation and writing.   more »

Handling the language of Master/Slave Relationships   more »