So I get to chat about the current spate of violence in the US and my thougths about its origins and its current manipulation in the media. If you are looking for solutions, I will have to think some more.    more »

If you have arrived here interested in getting a wonderful partnership, or interested in how to do better, or interested in saving your marriage or that of friends, parents or children, or just interested in specifics of how peaceful partnerships work, you have arrived at a right place.

And all this is free for the reading. What can you loose? My good wishes to you all. Go 4 It!    more »

I hope you are looking for a great relationship for yourself, the skills to get along well with anyone, and ways to make the world a better place.  If you have, I’ve got ideas to share with you.  Here are some topics:

• What to do when he/she leaves you?
• What to do when he/she won’t talk?
• What to do when he/she won’t make a decision?
• Help! What’s going on with Marriage? Here’s a Map
• Where to Start in making a better relationship?
• How to get rid of resentments?
• How to get him/her to do what you want?
• Stop the arguing. But what then?
• Whose fault is it, anyway?
• Did he/she do something “out of the blue?”
• Secrets! How much should you share?
• FAQ – The most asked questions and solutions.
• Having a Bad Day! What to do? 
• What is Empathy? You’ll need it.
• What is all this about being “victim?”
• Finding Mr. or Ms. Right
• Building and Rebuildling Trust?
• Boundary Skills?
• Boundaries in a Relationship?
• How to Use this Website?

Some clients of mine from about 30 miles away would share notes about visiting me. They spoke of "oh, you're gonna talk to the turtle, right." That casual phrase seems a good place to start here. This is a note about making myself available by phone.    more »

My friend, Scott Dodson, spent years reading and absorbing all the stuff I teach. The "method in his madness" was to write a marvelous fantasy book: kind of a "Harry Potter" meets Relationships. Alfred, the Turtle, not only is central, but seems to be able to fly!

His book is available online for free - probably a limited time (before the publishers get to it).   more »

This sort of thing doesn't come often to an old therapist, but it is welcome. Here's an ex-client who, I think, got it. "You can either be in Relationship or Right. You can either Validate or be Right. You can either be Empathic or be Right. Take your pick." Thanks to you, friend.    more »

I have received requests to list books that have been, and are, important to me in developing my thinking. Here I will organize that list, and link them to Amazon.com, so that you can get them. This list will grow as I think of them. I am just listing the ones that have been repeatably, and durably, “hot” for me. Enjoy!   more »

I got this question, recently. Apparently in my Map of Relationships I have not described it enough. I guess I just referred to it as a "place" that people, all people want to go to. Well, ok, I'll share some thoughts on it.    more »

I believe that everyone needs a three-drawer tool box. Each drawer represents different tools or skills needed in life.    more »

People are taking the time to read, download, and hand out my articles - over 124,000 readers in the last year. This is pretty powerful stuff, and I am very gratified that so many are valuing it. My deep goal is, of course, to get to the children. "Happier couples raise healthier kids." With your help the world is a little better than when we found it.    more »

When someone says, “I’m hurt” or “That upsets me,” or "I'm anxious," what is a useful response? I find this is a central problem in the common co-dependency I see. Here are some ideas and links to deeper understanding.    more »

Recently I gave a 3–hour presentation at a conference on Domestic Violence. The title was "Remediating Bullies and Their Makers: A different look at Domestic Violence." Here is the background and one of the Powerpoint presentations.    more »

Your suggestions could really shape the future here at this website and in the place in the forest where I often sit!    more »

So many times I've heard the phrase, "he/she did that out of the blue." I love the phrase. It seems so colorful. And also many people write me, and read my thoughts, about what to do when he/she leaves. Put these two issues together and I give you this article.    more »

For years I have been teaching and “thinking” about Feelings. I have been teaching what I call , the Four Prime Feelings for years: Fear, Anger, Sorrow, and Joy. But more and more I have become aware of a set of feelings that are very important and which are not usually called emotions. I think they are.   more »

A couple of days ago I got a note from a friend letting me in on her delight sharing the posters I have. Probably half a dozen times I have heard from people who used this method of learning the “wisdom” that I am passing on to you all.    more »

People ask me how hard is a great relationship, and I am responding more and more that “it is not rocket science.” 

But I have come across an image, that isn’t far from what most of us think is “rocket science,” that may be helpful to you.

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How to approach relationship challenges? Tis all about applying knowledge of the Biological Dream and learning those skills. Tis all about knowing where you currently are on the Map of Relationships. Here are some examples.    more »

This question comes in often. “I am single and am looking for a partner. I know I have defects. How do I attract the right partner, one I can work with? How do I go about it?”   more »

How about it? Want to learn to be empathic? Want to know when you aren't? Want to improve? I believe that more and more people will be talking about the “need for more empathy.” I believe that the primary cause of conflict in our families, our partnerships, our business, our marriages, our political communities, our churches, and in the world, is a pronounced lack of reliable empathic skills.    more »

People still ask me, “How much should I tell my partner?” This paper and chart have had quite an impact on people. In some cases it has been "life changing" after one reading. That has surprised and pleased me.    more »

In many ways, I am a slow learner. I have used many white sheets of paper with a saying on it. I posted these on the walls at my home and at my office, to keep reminding me over and over until my thick brain “get’s it.” Here are a bunch of them.    more »

I can think of nothing as important as getting to be, and staying, Dialogical. It makes possible solutions to all the relationship troubles. This is the list of one line reminders that I have used over the past 15 years to remind me of "a better way of getting along." I often have had a piece of paper with one of these phrases on my wall (sometimes many walls) at home or in my office where I can see it every day. These are learning tools.    more »

I often get asked this, and fortunately for me the answer is clear. But let's state the question more clearly. If I am in a couple, a relationship, what do I/we focus on first, second, third, etc. to make things better. Ok, here we go. The answer arises from two different major principles: the Anna Karenina Principle and the Biological Dream.    more »

People frequently come to me with this problem. Some years ago I came up with an answer and have not felt the need to change it. It works. Follow the four steps.   more »